Dear reader, some of you might be aware that I recently took my comprehensive Ph.D. exam (see posts: Exams, Help with Blog and a Weak Attempt at Pleading and Benefiber, Anxiety and a New Day). Well I had kinda “insider” information that today the committee was meeting and that sometime after four in the afternoon I would hear if I passed or not. The day was treacherous– breathing . . . difficult. You ever have those times where you are convinced that you are just not getting enough oxygen with every breath you take. That indeed you are breathing in the same damn breath, the exact air, over and over again. Your heart races continuously, palms sweat and brows continue in the same creased posture . . . no release. With each progressive breath you are getting less of the needed oxygen required for your body. Carbon dioxide instead of oxygen until each breath is so bloody shallow that it is not even a “resemblance” of air? Well, that was me today from about 2-6pm, when I finally got the email.
What a hell of a day. What a horrible ordeal of making myself even more nervous than any normal person has a right to be. Everyone from my study groups check their email every 2-5 minutes after 4 pm today. All of us:
—send and receive—send and receive—
4: 20, 4:25, 4:40, 4:45 . . . no response. 4:50, 4:55 . . . nothing. 5:00 a spam email: Herbal Viagra – be hard and strong all night long! (I must stop myself from checking my email like this damn-it, must check email only every 15 Minutes . nothing. 5:08 . . . Mother Jones—President Bush is still an asshole, surprise? 5:12 . . . Miami Harold update, hurricane coming, oh fucking great, just add that to the mix, do I need to board up my windows????? . . . 5:20 . . . email from worried classmates wondering if we will ever hear from our department (note: relieved to know that they too are checking email every few minuets). 5:25, 5:30, 5:38 . . . not a god damn thing. 5:40 – go for Starbucks coffee, I can’t take this anymore. 5:40, checking email on phone and still nothing. A café Mocha please, Iced . . . they make a Frappacino, “no, no it’s ok, I’ll just have that then. No, it’s not what I ordered. Yes, I know it’s good. Really it’s no problem. . . . IT’S FINE DON’T YOU KNOW I HAVE TO CHECK MY EMAIL AGAIN????????” 5:48 . . . nothing. 5:50 . . . I am glad they made a mistake on my order, this is damn good. 5:54 . . . nothing. Smoke yet another cigarette, fuck I am just a sick bastard for doing this to myself. 6:00 pm . . . email! Ok, the question is, am I strong enough to open it? Open email, read it twice (to make sure that the lack of Oxygen has not screwed with my eyesight) Yeah! I passed. God, I passed. Must remember to wear underarm deodorant in grateful recognition to the earlier deal I made with god.
And so it goes. Another day and once again I have avoided having to place a job application in with Starbucks or McDonalds (not that these are bad places to work, I was just hoping for a different career and my acting degree will only get me so far). Thanks for the support that I got from everyone.